Finding my new self/ The results are in....
Oct 27, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thLblxKKojU

this is my story and welcome to it
[Music]
[Music]
Oh today is bliss trous but it's a nice
day
and I've got my warm fuzzy like a
pullover my hubby bought it for me this
last weekend and it is probably one of
the most comfortable as' shirts I have
worn in a very long time like this is
something I can wear all the time and
it's like that um I don't know what
that's called velvet or not velvet but I
don't know what it's called but it's so
comfy so comfy I wish they had in other
colors I could so live in anyways it's
nice and stretchy and that makes it even
better but anyways thank you guys for
all of the support you guys are giving
me during this kind of difficult hard
time for me it's you know when you're
when you are having to finally grieve
something and really deal with something
it kind of pulls up all those feelings
from the past and you have to deal with
it you have to because if you don't then
you're just gonna continue to be in the
square that you were in and so that's
kind of where I'm at is I've never I've
never grieved my molestation I've never
grieved the things that happened to me
as a child and now that we're kind of
stepping back into that thank God that
my husband is here for my support
because it wouldn't I don't know if I
can make it through this because it is
so painful but at the same time I know
I'm gonna get through it and I know that
this is the best thing for me and I know
that I have so much support between my
husband
and you guys I'm gonna get through this
no matter what um and I just thank you
guys for like I said all the support and
understanding during this time it's not
easy but we're gonna get it together all
together anyways it is 11:30 we're gonna
go and get drinks because I am thirsty I
need some caffeine
I swear kept me up most of the entire
night she could not get comfortable so
therefore I could not get comfortable
but anyways I just wanted to say good
morning and I will check in with you
guys after we get our drinks and I
actually get a little bit of caffeine in
my body so I got me is going to get his
Red Bull then he's gonna take us home
anything today I'm just chillin until he
gets home he has Juma today cuz it's
Friday so he will go there and then
he'll come back and then we have to go
to Costco after he comes home because my
glasses will be in and I think that's it
I took my nails off but I will be
putting up a new set you just don't know
what I'm debating a debate on what I
want to do anyways what
[Music]
Oh hold on just a second what is it this
okay hold on daddy's coming I'll have
them grab it so excuse my kitchen it is
a disaster but my babies wanted one of
the we're gonna let them believe that
that's what it is because really so I
have some it's mocha blend but it's just
as the flavor of mocha and anyways so I
make that for them so that they think
that they're having clearly my kitchen
like I said is a disaster I have no like
clean clean like deep scrubbed it in a
couple of days so you know that's what
you do when you're going through trauma
healing thank you baby
you you're surviving
you are surviving and that's my husband
is doing everything he can to help me
and you know matters so anyways I use
almond breeze milk when I make the
kisses smoothies it does help it make it
like almost more creamier and so and
then I just use mocha blends it doesn't
contain coffee or anything in it it just
has the flavor of it so they believe
that they're having it like it's okay
it's okay
[Applause]
so I'm gonna get out and I'm gonna try
later not right this minute
no sit no I see you all Mart put it down
please thank you I'm going to try to
clean up the kitchen but not right this
minute hold on you're gonna hear my
Vitamix for a minute
we're not screaming yeah we're not gonna
scream nice little treat for them that's
why they don't get it all the time but
usually when mama gets a coffee I get
them something and today I was like you
know what I'll just come home and make
you guys something here at home
here in this room here what do you say
thank you there you go
anyway so yeah so I'm just getting ready
for our live later which I am excited
about and then possibly try and clean up
before Ollie comes home because like I
was saying my Casas should be in this
afternoon along with I have to go and
pick up my medicine as well today I am
to get that taken care of so anyways let
me get my coffee
[Music]
hey guys so we are now on our way to go
to Costco my glasses are in so
gonna go there go get my glasses and
then I don't know what else we have to
pick up from there sugar sugar sugar
since my little sugar sugar back here
where I'm pointing
decided to dump his father's last bit of
sugar shook on the floor
so yeah so we pick up a big bag of sugar
because all he uses it for like his
cooking drinks and then I'm gonna see if
my lovely husband will run me by Walmart
really quick so I can run in I am really
sorry that I did not go live today I
know that I was going to but there was
just so much going on today that it just
wasn't gonna work out there's just the
pharmacy I need to get my medicines I
have to start it tomorrow and there's
just other things I've got to get done
so I will go live tomorrow at 5:00
Pacific Standard Time here so I hope
that will give you guys an extra day if
anybody wanted to put your guys's name
in for the giveaway make sure that you
email me Amy 1981 Ramadan at gmail.com
that way I can't get your name into
petroleum so anyways I will check in
with you guys in a little bit we are
gonna start getting into traffic time to
get over to Costco so I'll talk to you
guys in a little bit night I really hope
you guys had a great day today kind of
situated here today's been a long day
today has been a roller coaster of
emotions today has been a day of
receiving the information about my blood
work for my doctor's office I think what
else
and today's just simply been a day turn
my light up a little um as you can see I
got my new glasses yes
Amy's new glaciers they feel so
comfortable though you guys like
seriously right there you can see the
padding
these are Ray Rabin ray ray beyond Rabin
something in that matter something in
that form no not gonna see it but
anyways these ones I feel like these
ones actually fix fix fix fit my face so
I'm really I'm happy with them but I
like how they are framed so you know
they're not I mean they are still framed
but I just I love them so yeah these are
my glasses and what else we got from
Costco we did get the sugar and we got a
couple odds and ends things that we
needed to get um
so update on my doctor's appointment or
my doctor's thing so it came back that
my I have hyperthyroidism I know I'm
probably saying that name wrong um he
had to put me on a pretty high dose of
medicine to counteract it along with
that I have to go 100% gluten-free and
I'm going dairy-free those two things
play a role in my digestive system and
also it runs a problem with the thyroid
and also so for quite a while now I've
I've
and complaining like I have stomach
aches I've been you know my stomach's
pretty upset I take a lot of anti and
like anti-gas medicine or not gas
medicine but uh like pepto-bismol and
stuff like that maybe that is gozman
I don't know anyways I think a lot of
that and it it it's a bug you know it
really is we'll come to find out I
didn't know that with the thyroid those
are symptoms of your thyroid so my itchy
skin tada
hair loss not really
hair thinning tada
tiredness oh yeah
you name it I've got it it seems like
you know just dipping it down just a
little more and more and more so I start
my medication they did not have a
medication in today so I have to run
back down to the pharmacy tonight or
tomorrow sorry
so I'll start that first thing on Sunday
morning due to the fact that they did
not have my medicine today I could not
go alive with you guys though because I
had I felt like everything just that
when the doctor called and they were
wanting me to go down to the pharmacy
and see if they were able to get it in
quickly
what really is not what I promised what
that is anyways but they wanted me to
run down to the pharmacy and I didn't
know how long it was gonna take for me
to be in the pharmacy so which it was a
pretty long line so it wouldn't have I
didn't get home until like 5:30 ish so I
clearly would have not been on time so I
am gonna go live tomorrow and we'll do
the giveaway tomorrow I'm really excited
to see you guys and what else
really I think that was about it but you
know last night or yesterday's vlog was
a really hard flog for me yesterday I
was really suffering
really
really really bad and today has been a
pretty tough and rough day too and you
know it really kind of hit me today that
I for the first time I'm really really
honestly grieving my past grieving the
abuse that I have gone through grieving
the neglect the just just that
everything everything and I've never in
all my years have I felt like I had the
right to grieve and basically I never
felt the right to grieve because in my
mind I always told myself well Amy at
least you had a roof over your head at
least you had people to take care of you
and at least feed you at least you know
you had medical so you can go to the
doctor's when you weren't feeling good
at least you had a place to call a house
you know and people to inner join with
or whatever you want to say um you know
so I never gave myself permission to
grieve but I finally after Monday on my
counseling session because we dipped so
deep I finally hit a rock where it was
just like ouch you know that really hurt
and I've been struggling with it ever
since then and I knew and my counselor
knew that this was probably gonna happen
and I have all my numbers for my safety
numbers and things like that if
something was to come up or if I started
feeling like deep dark thoughts or
anything in that manner because I have
in the past so we have a safety plan on
you know on file and you know and I have
it in my vision where I can see it at
all times I have the numbers put into my
phone if I need to have a safety call
but you know really grieving the past is
such a it's it's a healing experience
but
is such a one of the darkest experiences
I think anybody can handle or go through
especially when you're dealing with
trauma grief and so in that sense it's
been a tough emotional roller coaster
today some moments I'm okay and next
moment I can be talking to ollie and I
will just bust out into tears and the
next minute I can be just angry and
lashing out at my poor husband and then
other moments I can just be an emotional
wreck again and he's been riding this
rollercoaster with me since day one but
we have never dealt with it in this
depthness and my husband is still
standing right next to me he you know as
mean as I can be at moments because I'm
so angry and I take it out on him for
whatever reason I don't know he just
continuously reassures me that he loves
me and he's not going anywhere and I
can't say anything to him that's gonna
make him you know disappear you know
he's not gonna neglect me he's not going
to abandon me he's not going to give up
on me that this isn't that that's not an
option with us we're going to get
through this as a married couple and
he's constantly reassuring me that he's
my best friend and we're gonna get
through this and once we get through it
as painful it is right now we're gonna
see the light at the end of the tunnel
and we're gonna be finally able to be
set free from all of this and I think
that that is what is giving me the hope
to continue to fight is because I know
that even as painful as it is right now
I know at the end of this I'm gonna be
such a better person and so it's it has
been a rough day and I apologize if the
vlog has been kind of a black day today
because I haven't
had a lot of moments free where I'm not
that emotional wreck and so you know but
I do want to thank everybody everybody
for all the support and encouragement
you guys are amazing and I don't know if
I would have been able to get through
this without all of your guys's support
as well all of the private messages I'm
getting in emails and it's been so
overwhelming of comfort and just knowing
that my god here I've got such an
amazing abundant of beautiful friends
and you all mean so much to me and oli
and it just again it identifies what I
am doing is the right thing some days
you guys are gonna see me in great moods
other days I may not be but know that I
am pushing through I'm doing everything
I can to heal and to be this happy
person again and I am happy I you know
I'm not sad in the sense and I'm not
this low life depressed person that you
know doesn't have her crop together and
you know I don't want I don't want you
guys to think that because that's not
who I am or what I want to be but at the
same time I feel comfortable and safe to
share these things with you guys on this
channel and grow from it you know and as
I'm growing from it it's just gonna make
me that much stronger and today I have
struggled with eating I haven't been
able to eat much at all today I just
haven't had an appetite that's I guess
normal with what I'm going through with
grief I guess you know they say that
sometimes grieving you just don't have
an appetite and I just don't have an
appetite so
I did eat a better dinner lunch I had
just a few bites of a sandwich and I
couldn't get myself to eat any more of
it
breakfast I ate a little bit but I
wasn't too just wasn't really feeling it
I've been working on juice I have been
drinking juice to get something in me
because I have to take some medicine and
it's gonna be hard on my stomach so I'm
trying to just have something with a
little bit of calorie in it
I've drink lots of water I've been so
thirsty for water I just can't seem to
get enough water which is a good thing
but yeah it's just what it is and I'm
not holding my breath for anything with
my weight loss this week I'm I you know
I almost emptied to not even weigh this
week because I am dealing with so much
more emotionally right now that I don't
know if Wayne is a smart move for me
this week because I have struggled so
bad with so many of my emotions and with
my emotions comes so many emotional
eating experiences that I'm thinking
this week I might not weigh in and
that's just a given I hope you guys
understand I'm not jumping off the
bandwagon I'm not you know I'm just
gonna let it go and not do it no but in
a sense of a week that I have been going
through so much grief and grieving I
think that that's one thing that I don't
need to fixate on this week is my weight
loss I think I need to just allow myself
to get back into my motion and get back
into my gear and pull forward and know
that this is what I'm you know working
towards and I might do a weight loss
update later on in the week I don't know
I might just go ahead and forget it all
together and then just weigh in next
Saturday I think that's probably what
I'm going to do
so please don't be upset I hope and pray
that you guys understand but I think
this week we're not gonna do a weigh-in
they'll still be the vlog but I'm just
not gonna do a weigh-in on Saturday I'm
gonna go ahead and excuse the scale this
week and then get back on top of
everything starting well I mean it's
already I I haven't went off like I have
been eating cakes and all sort of stuff
but I have had a couple binge just you
know binging experiences and they're not
even really considered I guess you'd say
binge because it wasn't like I really
binge
but I've been more relaxed this week so
I think this week would be a safe call
for me not to get on the scale and allow
my grieving to do what it needs to do
and do my scale weigh in next Saturday
so again I hope everybody understands
that to keep my mind off of things today
and do a little bit of pampering for
myself I did do my nails he's gonna see
those kind of unclear I know but I did
do my nails and yeah other than that
that was it I will be alive again
tomorrow like I said 5:00 p.m. Pacific
Standard Time make sure you email me Amy
1981 Ramadan at gmail.com if you want to
be placed into the drawing for the full
wreath giveaway but otherwise I'm gonna
go ahead and close this vlog so I can go
and take a shower and get ready for bed
I am tired I have had a very long day
and I am ready for my pillows so anyways
I hope you guys take care I will check
in with you guys tomorrow bright and
shiny
until then sweet dreams you guys bye bye
